I should know by know that any type of monster can hide behind a great smile. After all every car salesman has a great smile. It is like the smell of bait that is hanging in a live trap. Then the cage slams shut and you realize to yourself, "Damn, I fell for it again." This date is no exception to that very scenario.
He showed up late because he got lost, there were two turns he had to make and only made one. Already the neon light flashed "idiot" on his forehead. Actually, let's start there. He looked like he stepped out of a 1980's commercial ad for Nerf. His hair was a spiky flat top with the sides shaved around his ears. He was wearing not only a 1980's style pullover with buttons on the neck but he also had a 1980's T-shirt on underneath that with colored sleeves and rock washed jeans (remember those?). Another thing, he was way too skinny. Don't let me forget to tell you that he showed up with his own bowling ball, bowling bag, and matching bowling shoes. Oh no, not another one! Damn it!
As we walked into the bowling alley where he wanted to meet, AC/DC was on the intercom. I like 80's music, that was the only thing good about the 1980's. We went up to the bar to have a drink and a baseball game was on the big screen. Yay for me. I can at least have something interesting to look at. lol It was the brewers and the Cardinals. Brewers were ahead bottom of the 3rd. Then he starts talking about bowling. He tells me the most uninteresting story about how and when he bought his bowling ball. I quickly tuned him out and tried to keep focus on the baseball game.
When there was finally a long break of silence from him, I asked, "Do you like baseball?" He replied with a blunt, "No." Ummm, okay. FREAK! Then at his feeble attempt to appear interested in the baseball game I was clearly more interested in, he asks, "So which teams are playing?" Since the names of the teams are literally written on the front of the uniforms, I thought it was a dumb question. I replied, "The Brewers and the Cardinals" In which he said, "I saw a cardinal on my way to work the other day."
What does that have to do with baseball? Then looking at the large screen television the game was on he asked, "What does STL mean?" I truly wanted to get up and walk out right then and there. I looked at him and doing my damnedest not to be insulting or a smart ass, I informed him, "STL stands for St. Louis. That is the city where the Cardinals are from." "Oh, I get." He said shaking his damn fool head up and down like one of those bobbing head dogs in the back window of an early 1990's Lincoln.
He kept scooting his bar stool over closer to mine so his leg would be touching mine. Each time he would move over, I would move over. His chair... scoot, scoot, scoot, then mine, scoot, scoot, scoot. He really didn't get the hint. By the time we fished our drink, there was a big space from where his bar stool started to where it ended up. Idiot!
With a streak of luck, my phone vibrates. Praise the Lord, I have a way out. It is my new straight-gay-guy-friend. I am thinking, this is my ticket out of here. I tried to text him back but no response. I was hoping he would give me a reason to quickly end the disaster date I was on. I told the loser I was with, "Gee, I hope everything is alright. I don't know if my friend needs me." I continued to wait for another text from him but I waited in vein. So the date from bowling hell continued.
He bought two bowling games for each of us. Then began his bragging about what a good bowler he is. I told him, "Then I will be an easy win because I seem to never get up to a 100 on my score." No kidding, I really am that bad at bowling but that could be because I am not a loser and I have more important things to do with my life? I'm just saying. Each time he finished bowling his set, he would sit down next to me and graze my ass. The first seven or eight times I thought it was an accident. But after that, I'm like, what the hell?
Not far into our second game he points to the woman in the bowling thing right next to us and he tells me, "Watch her bowl once." Okay, I am thinking he is going to give me some tips on bowling. I was very wrong. He was going to give me a tip on what a scum bag he is.
The woman went up, bowled, knocked down about seven pins and then came back and waited for her ball to return. He asked me, "Did you see that?" "What?" I asked. Then he said with a smile on his face, "How far she spreads her legs when she put the ball down the ally." I was mortified! The common sense in me was telling me to run but instead of listening to common sense, I tried to be funny and jokingly said, "You just like looking at her ass!" He was not shy at all; he responded with, "Actually, I was looking at her boobs when she bends over." What the fuck?! This guy is a total scum bag, worse, he is the infection that feeds off the mold that grows on a bag of scum.
I wanted to hurrying up this game and get the hell away from this creep. The second game continued, I kept my distance from him and after the game was completed I quickly changed my shoes and ran through the directions for him to go back to what ever hole in the ground he came from. "Wait." He said as he went back to the bar and asked for a pen and paper. "What are you doing?" I asked impatiently. "I want to see our average scores from our games. We played two games and I want to see our averages." Idiot! Who cares! I waited and he told me each of our averages. Then I headed for the door.
He ran over to his car and threw his bowling bag and matching bowling shoes in the car. Oh, did I tell you he drives a Camaro? Give me a break! This guy was like a living ghost of the 1980's. Then he came over by my van where I was unlocking my door. I thanked him for the bowling games and the drink. He grabbed my head like a goalie grabs a soccer ball to stop a winning goal attempt. My head was in a death grip. I instinctively pulled my head back and as I did, he licked my mouth (thankfully my mouth was closed). UGH! that is F**king DISGUSTING! I got in my car, told him the directions to take to get the hell away from me. Then I left. I am so glad I didn't give him my phone number!
I must correct myself, he is the secretion that is released from the bowels of the infection that feeds off the mold that grows on a bag of scum.
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